


I don't want the world, I want you

by marececilys



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Tales from the Shadowhunter Academy - Cassandra Clare, The Bane Chronicles - Sarah Rees Brennan & Cassandra Clare & Maureen Johnson
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Angst, Blood, Break Up, Child, Demons, Drabbles, Fluff, M/M, Malec, Nightmares, Non-Graphic Smut, One Shot Collection, Parenthood, Songfic, Suicide, Wedding, jalec - Freeform, sleeping
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-17
Updated: 2015-09-20
Packaged: 2018-04-04 18:35:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 16,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4148490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marececilys/pseuds/marececilys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of Malec drabbles and one-shots taking place some time after CoHF</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Nightmares and Sweet Dreams

**Author's Note:**

> *Slight warning for mention of suicide / parental death, nightmares & possible PTSD(?)

     Magnus jerked awake, the images from the nightmare he’d just had still burning vividly in the back of his mind. _Not again_. Ever since meeting his father in that horrid demon realm, he’d been reliving the memories of his past that he’d tried so long to forget almost every time he went to sleep. The one he’d just seen hung behind his eyelids now as he tried to clear his head. The image of his mother, hanging by the neck from an old rope stained with blood, in the barn that still smelled of the horses that had fed in it only a few hours before. Magnus hidden in a corner, not even 10 years old, ducked behind a stack of hay as he took in the look of horror on his dead mother’s face. 

     He tried desperately to shake the memory away. Instinctively, he reached out his hand next to him and lightly grabbed Alec’s, intertwining their fingers; his presence bringing him back from his haunted past and reminding him that he wasn’t alone. Alec gently stirred awake and turned to face Magnus. He pulled himself closer and brought his hand to Magnus’s face, wiping away a tear that Magnus hadn’t realized was there. Alec’s hand lingered on his cheek and Magnus placed his own on top of it and closed his eyes, inhaling Alec’s musky scent. He said a silent prayer of thanks to whatever god may be listening for bringing Alec Lightwood into his life.

     “Are you okay?” Alec whispered softly.

     Magnus smiled wistfully. “I am now, Alexander”, he murmured, pulling Alec’s hand away from his face and kissing it softly.

     “Come here”, Alec said, and it wasn’t a request. Magnus shifted closer and Alec wrapped his arms around him. Magnus rested his head on Alec’s shoulder and shivered pleasantly as Alec kissed the back of his neck, sending chills up and down his spine. 

     “I love you”, Alec whispered into Magnus’s back.

     “I love you too”, he mumbled back, barely getting all of the words out before he fell back into the hands of a deep, dreamless sleep; his dark memories fleeting him for the time being as he lay consumed in the only thing important to him now.


	2. Well, this is awkward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inspired from the TSA snippet where Simon walks in on Magnus and Alec getting it on.

Alec walked out of the training room after a badly-gone archery lesson with a group of young shadowhunters. For people who were born to hunt demons, they had an extremely limited concept of _aim_. Alec had nearly been impaled twice. Shaking his head as if to clear the memory of fifteen kids clobbering all over him, Alec started making his way to the dining room before hearing a familiar voice behind him.

               “Still alive, I see.”

               Alec whirled around. “Magnus!” he exclaimed, surprised. He was leaning against the wall across from the room Alec had just come out of, dressed relatively moderately in black leather jeans and shiny purple top. “Sorry, I didn’t even see you there. I was just going to get some coffee.” He definitely needed it after spending two hours with those kids.

               The corner of Magnus’s mouth elevated slightly. “Exciting day?”

               Alec let out an exasperated sigh. “You have no idea how many times I had to turn a kid’s arrow around so that it wasn’t facing himself. I swear these kids have no common sense.”

               “To be fair, with an instructor like _you_ , I can see why they’d be a bit distracted”, he winked. “You better not have indulged them too much. I hope you saved some of that sexy juice for me.”

               “Sexy juice? What, am I a beverage now? By the Angel, they’re _kids_ Magnus.”

               “No one is immune to your charms, darling.” He grinned as he grabbed his boyfriend by his shirt, pulling him closer. “It’s quite inconvenient at times.” His breath felt warm on Alec’s skin. He leaned in as Magnus kissed him, forgetting for a moment his exhaustion over the kids and feeling instead that familiar tug in his chest called desire. He hastily pulled away for a moment, remembering to ask,

               “What are you doing here anyway? I thought you had a client. Not”, he added, “that I’m not glad you’re here. But the last time you ignored a client they left chickens on our doorstep for a week.”

               Magnus made a face. “That asshole. Fuck Carl. I still haven’t gotten all the chicken shit off the welcome mat. But no, actually, my client cancelled. Then I was informed that my expert skills were needed here. There was an accident in a knife-throwing lesson today. Some idiot got himself stabbed in the forehead, and the dagger hadn’t been cleaned and still had remains of demon poison on it. He’s fine now”, he said dismissively, seeing the look of alarm on Alec’s face. “But I don’t know why we’re still talking about this when we’re in a hallway full of dozens of empty rooms, and I’m sensing neither of us has anywhere important to be at the moment.” His hand, which had been resting on Alec’s shoulder after he’d kissed him, began to move down Alec’s body along with his eyes.

               Alec flushed and fell against Magnus, meeting him for another kiss. “But my coffee-“ he said reluctantly, glancing over Magnus’s shoulder to the dining hall. 

               Magnus laughed and snapped his fingers, snatching a full cup of coffee out of the air and handing it to Alec before grabbing his boyfriend by the hand and pulling him into one of the empty rooms, letting the door slam shut behind them.

* * *

                After clumsily placing the mug on the first surface he could find, Alec pushed Magnus onto the bed, the coffee forgotten. He climbed on top of him hastily and started passionately kissing his face, his jaw, his neck. Magnus shifted and rolled on top of Alec, his hands moving to the hem of his shirt and lifting it over his head. They collided, their bodies hot and heavy and bursting with emotion. Alec let out a low moan as Magnus kissed his chest, touching every scar on his warrior body with his lips. No matter how many times they did this, no matter how much time they spent together, Alec never ceased to feel the pure elation from knowing Magnus was _his_. It was relief and energy and comfort and passion all at once. It was knowing that the person who was your sun and sky and stars and home loved you back, that you belonged to them just as much as they belonged to you. It never failed to amaze him how unbelievably lucky he was.  


               Magnus continued kissing Alec’s chest fervently as Alec peeled of his shirt and began unbuttoning his jeans. It was at this exact moment that the door burst open and Simon appeared in the doorway, the look on his face of pure, unadulterated horror. 

               Alec pushed Magnus off him, blushing to his toes. “Don’t you _knock_?!”

               Simon slapped a hand to his face, covering his eyes. “Jesus, fuck. Sorry. I thought this was the bathroom.”

               “Well, obviously”, Magnus growled, “You were extremely wrong. Scat, so I can continue getting down with my boyfriend. If you want to watch the show, next time pay me in advance.”

               Blushing, Simon mumbled something about locks as he scurried out the door, knocking down Alec’s coffee in the process.

               “This is just great”, Alec muttered. “I’ve walked in on him doing things to my sister countless times, and _now_ is when the universe decides to get even?” Magnus was laughing softly and Alec hit his shoulder. “Shut _up_ ”, he said. “This is not funny.” Magnus laughed even harder and pulled Alec back down on top of him. 

               “There’s no reason to be jealous of Simon,” Magnus teased, kissing his cheek. “While he may be dreamy, in a scrawny, pet-rat type of way, I only have eyes for you.” 

              Sighing at the broken mug and the coffee all over the floor, Alec put his hands on Magnus and kissed him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally updated this, woo. These drabbles have no relation to each other and this is not continuous from chapter one. This one is much more fluffy and lighthearted and hopefully funny. If you like it or have any suggestions on what to write next, leave a comment down below! x


	3. Jacket

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt: "Magnus and Alec are getting married in less than an hour and Jace is scrambling around trying to find something gold for Alec to wear"  
> (Jace/brotherly Jalec-centered)

“What do you _mean_ his jacket’s ruined??”  


“We were getting into the car and a drevak demon came out of nowhere. I told him to stay put, that I would take care of it, but of course he didn’t listen. He killed it before I even got the chance and got demon blood all over his clothes, which wouldn’t have happened if anyone around here ever did what I told them to”, Izzy huffed.  


“Can’t he just scrape the blood off? Or wear the jacket anyway?”  


“There is _no possible way_ I’m letting him wear that jacket on his wedding day. He’s supposed to look like a groom, not a serial killer.”  


“Can’t Magnus just magic him one from somewhere?”

“Magnus can’t know about this! The grooms aren’t even supposed to see each other before the wedding. Don’t you know _anything_?”   


“Yes. I have an extensive knowledge on dung beetles. Did you know they-”  


“ _Jace_. The jacket. The wedding is less than two hours away, and Alec doesn’t have a gold jacket.”  


“Well, then, he can’t have a gold jacket. Shit, Izzy, what do you want me to do?”  


“I want you to get your ass together and be a decent best man and find him another jacket. Whatever you have to do. And it better be gold, or else the entire thing will be ruined. The aesthetic I’ve spent so long planning will be _completely_ off. Do you understand me?”  


“God forbid I ruin your aesthetic. Fine”, he said when she glared at him, “I’ll find a bloody jacket.”  


“He _has_ a bloody jacket. I need you to find a clean one. _No blood_. At all.”  


Jace pouted. “Not even a little bit? What about tiny skulls on the sleeves?”

“Jace, _I swear to God_ -”  


“Relax, Iz.” He straightened up. “I’ll take care of it. Go fix him up and make sure no one else ruins your perfect aesthetic. Maybe start by keeping that boyfriend of yours out of the pictures, he’s quite the aesthetic-ruiner.”  


Izzy was about to make a retort, but Jace was already jogging away, hopefully to find a jacket in- she looked down at her watch- one hour and fifty-three minutes. She put her hands to her forehead and massaged her temples, stress pouring over her like a wave. 

“You better not fuck this up, Jace”, she whispered. 

* * *

Jace had _no fucking clue_  where to find a gold jacket.

After searching nearly every formal-wear store he could find, (and one accidental trip to a women’s maternity store), Jace still hadn’t found anything gold. He checked his phone. Sure enough, Izzy had texted him about 30 times, and the wedding was less than an hour away. He cursed, feeling defeated and exhausted. He’d gotten ceremoniously drunk at Alec’s bachelor party the night before, and his head was still pounding from the massive hangover he’d woken up with. His stomach grumbled, and he realized he hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast. _Coffee_ , he thought. He needed coffee.

The street he was on was only a block away from Taki’s, so he figured he would have time to make it there and back before he had to show up at the wedding empty-handed. But at least he would have some caffeine in his system.

He hurriedly crossed the street and rounded the corner to the restaurant, walked in and flung himself into a booth. He looked around. The place was nearly empty. The waitress, Kaelie, took his order immediately. She winked at him as she sauntered over, tossing her hair behind her shoulder. There was a time when Jace would have flirted back, but that had pretty much stopped when he’d started dating Clary, and he wasn’t in the mood to be charming now, anyways. 

“Jace!” She squealed. “I didn’t think I’d be seeing you here today. I heard your brother is getting married. To that warlock who always throws great parties. There was this one time I had too much to drink, and a vampire asked me to dance-”  


“Kaelie.” He cut her off, his voice hard. “I’m not really in the mood to chit chat right now. If you could just get me a coffee and a-”  


But he didn’t finish his order, because something had caught his attention out of the corner of his eye. Someone had walked into the restaurant. Someone wearing something…

“HEY!” Jace jumped up, startling Kaelie, who dropped the menu she was holding. The customer, a young warlock, judging by the green horns protruding from his head, had backed up against the wall, looking frightened. Shoving Kaelie away, Jace launched himself madly at the customer, knocking over two tables as he did so. 

“You! I need your-come back here!” The warlock boy had moved from the wall and leaped for the door, scrambling outside. Jace cursed and ran after him, chasing him down the street. “Wait! Stop running! I Just want-”  


“Get away from me!” The boy cried, but Jace had already caught up to him. He grabbed the back of his collar and swung him around so they were face to face. The boy, looking terrified, let out a yelp and thrust his hands out in front of him, blue sparks flying off the tips of his fingers. “Get back or I’ll burn your eyes out!”  


Jace held his hands up in a mock-surrender. “There’s no need for that. Listen, I don’t want to kill you, I just need your jacket.”

The warlock looked at him as if he were insane. “M-my jacket?”

“I just need to borrow it, you can even have it back-”  


“But-”  


“I’ll pay you. How much do you want? I’ll give you anything.” Jace’s voice was pure desperation now. He was _so close_.  


“You’re telling me you attacked me and chased me like a madman for three blocks so you could by my _jacket_?”  


“Yes, that sounds about right. Come on, now, how much do you want? I don’t have all day.”   


“If I sell it to you will you leave me alone?”

“Yes.”

“You’ll never talk to me again.”

“I’m offended, but if it means that much to you, yes. I swear on the Angel I will not talk to you again unless absolutely necessary.”

The warlock looked at him for a moment, probably considering what Jace meant by _necessary_. Finally, he said, “Five hundred. And if I see you again, stay the fuck away from me.”

Jace grinned. “Deal.”

* * *

Alec paced back and forth nervously, his hands sweating in his pockets. “By the Angel, where _is_ he? He should _be_ here by now.”

Isabelle bit her lip. “I sent him to find you another jacket-”

“You did _what_? But I already got another jacket!”  


“A black one! By shadowhunter custom, you’re supposed to have gold-”

“I don’t care about shadowhunter custom! I care about my _parabatai_ being at my wedding-”  


“It’s a good thing I’m here then.” Jace, as if on cue, strode up behind Alec, a wild look in his eyes as if he’d just jumped off a ten-story building and survived. Something alec had seen him do more than once. “Thought you might want this.”  He held up a bright gold dress jacket that shone brilliantly in the light, much more authentically-gold looking than his original jacket had been.

“Jace.” Alec stared at him incredulously. “Where the hell have you been? Where did you get that? Why do you look like you just ran through a wind tunnel?”

Jace touched his hair self-consciously. “I was going for the sexy, disheveled hero-who-just-saved-the-day look. Thought you’d be more appreciative. As for this, I bought it off a warlock after I chased him for about half a mile. Who knew they could run so fast?”

Alec decided it was better not to ask. “Fix your tie, it looks like someone was trying to strangle you”, he said instead as he took the jacket from Jace and slipped it on. Surprisingly, it fit perfectly.

“Damn”, Izzy said, “That one’s even better than the original one. It matches my color scheme aesthetic perfectly. Plus, it brings out the color in your eyes.” Alec flushed lightly and turned to look at himself in the full-length mirror. Izzy was right; the jacket did make him look _good_.

He turned around and found Jace still struggling with his tie, muttering curse words under his breath. Sighing, Alec reached over and helped his _parabatai_. “I can’t believe after all the things you’ve done you don’t know how to tie a _tie_.”

Jace shrugged. “Sexy, disheveled heroes don’t wear ties. We wear tight shirts that show off our steamy bods.”

Izzy snorted. “You’ve been reading _Cosmo_ again, haven’t you?”

“What can I say? I find the articles about how to spice up your sex life most appealing.”

Alec rolled his eyes. “Look, not to be all, ‘this day is all about me’ here, but it’s my wedding day, and it _is_ all about me. So if you could save your pointless straight-people conversations for later, I’d much appreciate it.”

Jace raised his eyebrows. Alec expected a snarky retort, but all he said was, “You’re right. This is about you.” He put his hand on Alec’s shoulder. “Are you getting cold feet? Do you need a pep talk? Do you need me to go cause a distraction so you can leave? I’m very good at causing distractions.” Though his tone was joking, there was seriousness in his expression that gave Alec no doubt he would start a fire if Alec asked him to.  He had strange ways of showing that he cared, but Alec appreciated the sentiment.

“No”, he said, feeling his cheeks blush ever so slightly. “No, I definitely want this. I’m ready.”

Jace smiled. Not one of his crazy, satirical grins, but a real, genuine smile. “Come on, then”, he said. “Let’s go get you married.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on tumblr and send me prompts: @heronwaylightstern


	4. Holding Onto You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Malec skydiving AU in which Magnus is Alec's skydiving instructor and Alec is afraid of heights.

“You know”, Alec swallowed hard, his hands shaking, “I think I just realized something.”

“Hmm? What’s that?” Jace was barely paying attention, adrenaline coursing through him, his body eager with excitement, eyes wildly taking in the sight below.

“I really am not a fan of heights, Jace.” Alec glanced out of the plane’s small window apprehensively. His entire body seemed tense and coiled to spring at the slightest, sudden movement. The problem was that the only place to go was out into the vast sky.

“Oh, the irony! You’re literally the tallest person I’ve ever met, and you’re afraid of heights. Izzy asks you how the weather is up there at least once a week.” 

Alec glared at his brother. “There,” he ground out, “is a huge difference between a couple of feet and being up in the _fucking clouds_!”

Jace grinned. “Too late to back out now. We already paid for this. There’s only one way down.” 

Alec felt his throat tighten involuntarily. His breath was shaking, and he was close to _tears_ , he realized with horror.   _Get it together_ , he mentally chided himself. He was trained in self-defense; he could kill a man with a single movement. He would not cry from being in a _fucking plane_. 

Jace, finally seeming to notice Alec was being serious, placed a hand on his shoulder. “You’ll be fine”, he said lightly, “You won’t even have to do anything. You’ll be strapped in and the professional will release the parachute. There’s no way you’ll die. You know, probably.”

Alec grimaced. “Thanks, Jace. That _really_ makes me feel better.”

Jace patted his back affectionately. “Don’t mention it.”

“Almost to our jumping point”, the flight attendant told them, “You boys ready?”

 _Not even a little bit,_ Alec thought. “Why did I let you convince me to do this again?” He asked Jace.

Jace shrugged. “Because you love me.”

“Why do I love you again?”

“That,” Jace said, not breaking his playful demeanor, “is another question entirely. One that would take a few days to answer, at least.”

Alec rolled his eyes. Placing his hand on the seat to steady himself, he inhaled deeply, attempting to calm his wracking nerves.   _He could do this._ He would not let his fear get the best of him. Jace would never let him live it down if he chickened out. 

“Okay”, he said decidedly, “Okay, let’s do this.”

* * *

Alec regretted his decision almost immediately. They were getting geared up now, and Alec was watching Jace as the professional skydiver he was paired with strapped him in. All of it sudden it hit him that this was actually real, _he was actually going to jump out of a plane_. He was going to fling himself into the open air, at 12,500 feet above the ground, risking his life and possibly hurtling to his death. For _fun_. This was not fun. This was the opposite of fun. This was… is there an opposite word for fun? Anti-fun? Surely there was not a word to describe how horrendously un-fun this was going to be…

“ _Alec_ ”. A voice brought Alec out of his reverie, and he jumped, and then cringed at himself mentally. Jace smirked at him. “You haven’t heard anything anyone’s said for the past five minutes, have you?”

“Um.” Alec flushed lightly. “…No.”

Someone behind him chuckled. He turned around and found a man who was only a little shorter than he was, with spiky black hair and bright emerald eyes that were rimmed in soft black eyeliner and looking right at him. He flashed a grin and held out his hand. 

“Hello. Alec, is it? I’m Magnus, I’ll be your instructor.” Alec clumsily shook his hand as he felt himself flush again. There was something about the way he looked at him when he talked, and the way he said Alec’s name, that made his heart pound. He hastily pulled his hand away and fumbled for words.

“Hi. I mean, um, nice to meet you. I’m Alec.”

The corners of Magnus’s mouth went up in a sly smile. “Yes, thank you for confirming that.” His eyes raked over Alec’s body curiously. Alec suddenly felt self-conscious in his bulky skydiving jumpsuit and un-brushed hair. _Stop it_ , he told himself. _Why do you care? It’s not like he would like you, anyway_. He gulped and looked away quickly. 

“So…”

“Right.” Magnus cleared his throat. “Come over here, I’ll strap you in.”

Alec obliged, and walked over to where Magnus was gesturing. There was a lot of complicated-looking equipment along the back wall, and Alec watched as Magnus picked up something that looked like a backpack with a lot of extra straps. He guided Alec into the harness and Alec felt involuntary chills go down his spine as Magnus tightened the straps around his back. Magnus then proceeded to strap himself in an identical-looking contraption, and Alec watched his efficient hands as they quickly adjusted the straps as if he’d done it a hundred times, which Alec supposed he had. He grabbed two helmets and handed one to Alec and put the other one on himself, squashing his perfectly-spiked hair.

“I’ll be strapped to your back with this.” He pointed to a strap that would connect to Alec’s harness. “I’ll be there the whole time, and don’t worry about me not pulling the parachute, because I’ve done this over a hundred times and no one’s ever died, or even complained that I did not give them the best experience. Do you remember everything they told you in the pre-class?”

Alec nodded slowly, briefly remembering the light training he and Jace had to take prior to getting on the plane. He tried to recall the details, but they had all fled his mind, probably due to his nerves and the butterflies that were violently attacking his stomach. 

“Alright then. We’re almost there. Let’s go to the jumping platform.”

Alec swallowed hard as they made their way over to where they would be jumping out. Jace and his instructor were already there, Jace bouncing up and down on his feet excitedly, looking like he was about to shit his pants. But whereas Jace looked ready to shit his pants from anticipation, Alec felt like he was about to shit his from sheer terror. This was the fundamental difference between them, Alec realized.

As they went through the process of checking and double-checking the equipment, Alec found himself looking at Magnus again. He liked the way his shiny black hair fell into his eyes at the corners where it stuck out of his helmet. He liked the way his eyes moved confidently, sure of himself and everything they looked at. Liked the way light stubble shaded his face just below his angular cheekbones, and the way his full lips turned down naturally at the sides when he was focusing on something. He was one of the most beautiful people Alec had ever seen.

When everything was finally ready, Magnus went behind Alec to hook himself to his back. Alec shivered as he felt his warm body press against him, his breath hot against the back of his neck. “Ready?” He breathed.

Alec felt aggressively un-ready. One of the flight attendants announced that they had reached their destination and would begin opening the doors. Alec looked over at Jace and for the first time saw the slightest bit of unease cross his face when the doors slid open, a gust of wind hitting them as they were exposed to the vast sky and ground that was miles below. The look only lasted for about a second, though, and was quickly replaced with the same suicidal excitement Jace got whenever he did something dangerous. It was probably the thing Alec disliked most about Jace. And perhaps, secretly, the thing he envied most about him, because it was a kind of fearlessness that Alec could never have. He always cared too much about everything, worried about everything and overthought things way too far. Sometimes he wished he could just stop feeling things all together. It would make everything so much easier. Part of the reason he’d agreed to do this was because for once, he thought maybe he could be like Jace. Maybe he could do something reckless and stupid and just _let go_.

But looking down now at the clouds that stretched before him and the hint of green grass so far below, he felt his stomach rise up in his throat. He couldn’t breathe. There was no way he could do this.

Magnus moved him forward so that they were standing right on the edge. “I’m going to count down from ten now, and then we’re going to jump!” He shouted over the roar of the wind that was slapping Alec’s face, hard and fast. Alec tried to protest, but no sound came out, his mouth dry and barren. The wind was unapologetic as his eyes watered beneath his protective goggles. Jace and his instructor had shifted closer, and he felt a reassuring hand on his shoulder. He didn’t look up.

“TEN!” Magnus shouted, bending his knees as he prepared to jump.

“NINE!” Alec couldn’t feel his legs.

“SEVEN!” Jace moved his hand from his shoulder.

“FIVE!”                 Alec’s breath was coming in short, frantic gasps now, his panic intensifying.

“THREE…TWO…”

 _This is it_ , Alec thought. _I’m going to die_.

“ONE!” 

“Wait!” Alec shouted, finally finding his voice. But it was too late. He felt himself go weightless as Magnus jumped, flinging them airborne into the clouds. Alec barely remembered to scream as they plummeted, free-falling chest-first into the sky.

* * *

 He was pretty sure he blacked out for a second, because when he opened his eyes again they were surrounded by the whiteness of a cloud. He’d always wondered what it would feel like to touch a cloud, but he couldn’t feel anything but wind attacking every part of his body. A sensation unlike any he’d ever known had taken hold, a dangerous mixture of terror and bliss that filled every vessel in his body as he fell towards the earth like an angel that’d been kicked out of heaven.

He’d almost forgotten Magnus was there until he heard, or rather _felt_ , him laugh. All of a sudden the reality of the situation came crashing back to Alec as he realized just how fast they were falling, and just how far the ground still was below. Anxiety gripped him and he tensed up, waiting for the panic to settle in again. Instead, he felt Magnus’s arms wrap around him, having sensed his change in stance, and was shocked when he realized how good it felt. He put his hands over Magnus’s, closing his eyes as a new feeling came over him, one that didn’t seem scary but _right_. He felt as if right here, right now, tumbling towards the earth at over 100 miles per hour with a stranger’s arms wrapped around him, he was right where he was supposed to be. For a moment, every worry he’d ever had was lifted off of him, and he felt only himself and Magnus, like they were the only people in the world, existing in a place where nothing could touch them. It was here, stuck in this vast expanse of sky between heaven and hell, that Alec finally felt like he belonged.

It was all over too soon.

He felt Magnus’s hands release him as he moved to unleash the parachute, the ground below them suddenly all-too visible. They floated down gracefully, no longer falling so much as sinking to the green grass below them. Alec remembered to bend his legs as they landed, the ground feeling unsteady beneath his feet. Catching his balance, he panted, breathless, not wanting to move away from the man still hooked behind him.

Alec heard Jace let out a whoop as he landed not far away. But he didn’t turn to look at him; he was entirely focused on the pressure of Magnus’s body against his back. Was it his imagination, or did the other man also seem reluctant to move?

Slowly, Magnus disconnected himself from Alec and Alec turned to face him. He watched as he took his helmet off and shook out his wind-blown hair, no longer spiky but somehow not stiff or flat either. His cheeks were flushed, his eyes dark and full with adrenaline. Alec took his own helmet off and searched for something to say, silence beating down like a weight between the two of them.

“Alec!” He turned and saw Jace running towards him, pumping his fist in the air. “That was _awesome_!” He jumped up and down like a little kid, and Alec couldn’t help but smile as Jace bear-hugged him, almost knocking him over with his barely-contained enthusiasm. “And you didn’t die! See, I told you.”

“I think a part of me wishes I had”, he choked out as he pushed Jace away. “That was probably the worst experience of my life.”

“Even worse than that time when you were twelve at that petting zoo and you-”

“That’s enough”, Alec cut him off. “We agreed to never speak of that again. And for the record, they really should have a sign. ‘Warning: Animals may excrete bodily fluids. Proceed with caution.’”

Jace grinned. “I don’t know if I would call that a _fluid_ -”

Magnus cleared his throat loudly. “As much as I want to stay here and continue listening to this conversation about fluids, I really don’t. I’m going to go see if the plane’s landed yet, I left my good jacket up there.” He paused and looked again at Alec, and Alec felt his heart flutter in his chest. “You should call me”, he said decidedly, releasing a breath. “My number’s in the skydiving pamphlet. Magnus Bane. We could get coffee, or something.”

Alec felt himself flush bright red as he stumbled for a response. “Oh. I mean, sure. I mean, yeah, I’d like that.” He silently cursed himself for being so awkward, but Magnus only smiled.

“Me too”, he said his eyes twinkling. “See you later, then. Hopefully in some real clothes. And hopefully not talking about bodily fluids.” And with that, he winked and walked away.

Alec stared after him, too stunned to speak. Had he really just been asked out? How was that even _possible_? What could Magnus see in him? His mind was whirling. He heard Jace make some smartass remark over his shoulder, but he hardly noticed. All he could think about was how he had felt as he fell, with Magnus latched onto him, thinking that if he were to die right then, it would be okay, because for a moment he’d finally found a place in the world. He’d told Jace it was the worst experience of his life, and while it may have been the most gut-wrenching, heart-rending thing he’d ever done, the former wasn’t true at all. It wasn’t the worst he’d ever felt, it was the best. And now, it seemed, it was only going to get better.

Or so he hoped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *based off a post from my tumblr @heronwaylightstern
> 
> Always open for suggestions/prompts! Hope you enjoyed this. :)


	5. Shopping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Malec & shopping

Alec groaned as Magnus pulled him into yet _another_ department store, ignoring his protests as usual. He still wasn’t entirely sure why they were doing this. It wasn’t as if Magnus couldn’t just magic himself any clothes he wanted, and he knew how much Alec hated shopping. But maybe that’s why he’d insisted they do it. 

“This would look _fabulous_ on you”, Magnus said, holding up a dark blue shirt with shiny leather embellishments. “It brings out the color in your eyes.”

Alec regarded the shirt, still scowling. It actually wasn’t bad, a bit flashier than he preferred but still not as robust as some of the other things Magnus had chosen for him. And he was right; the color did match his eyes perfectly. Still, he couldn’t get rid of the nagging feeling that Magnus was doing this for all the wrong reasons.

The thoughts constantly rustled in the back of his mind, feelings he never told anyone about because he wasn’t even sure if they made since. But he felt them almost every time he went somewhere public with Magnus, fed by looks from strangers and comments made in good nature but that somehow always caused him to feel uneasy. It was usually something along the lines of how he didn’t seem _gay_ enough, as if his sexuality had anything to do with his appearance or personality. The fact that he was the sullen, less-flamboyant one in the relationship made him feel weird and at times even uncomfortable, and a growing fear had taken hold that Magnus would soon tire of him and find him boring, or worse, that he would try to change him. He worried that every small thing Magnus was doing was a clue for something bigger, a clue that he wasn’t _enough_.

“Please try it on”, Magnus begged. He held the shirt up against Alec and brushed his fingers under the edge of his collar, tracing a line down his neck and collarbone. Alec’s skin bristled under his touch, and he felt his face go hot as Magnus leaned to press his lips against his skin. “Please”, he muttered into his shoulder. 

Pulse pounding and fed up with his tactics, Alec grabbed the shirt from Magnus’s hand. “Fine”, he sighed, taking the shirt and stalking to the dressing room, Magnus following behind him.

* * *

 Alec stared at himself blankly in the dressing room’s full-length mirror, his reflection barely passing through his unfocused eyes. He heard a knock on the door and Magnus’s voice echoing behind it. “Alec, darling? Can I come in?”

Alec moved to unlock the door; his gaze still resolute on the mirror in front of him as Magnus came in and stood beside him.

Magnus let out a low whistle. “I was right. You look _hot_.” He put his hands on Alec’s shoulders and ran them down his arms, following the path they made with his eyes. Alec felt himself blush at his words, but he didn’t say anything in return. 

Unnerved by Alec’s silence, Magnus pulled his hands away and turned to face his boyfriend. “Alec? What’s wrong? Why aren’t you saying anything? Are you okay, did I do something?” Concern clouded every edge of his voice and Alec immediately felt bad.

He shook his head. “No”, he said, “No, you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s just…”

Magnus’s eyebrows scrunched in confusion. “Just what? Alec, you can tell me anything.”

He took a deep breath, struggling to find a way to explain. He knew the shirt made him look good, that wasn’t the problem. The problem was that the person in the mirror just wasn’t _him_. 

“It’s just not…me.”

“What’s not you?”

“The shirt.” He swallowed, feeling lame. He wasn’t making any sense, how could he explain this? 

“Okay…” Magnus said, obviously still confused. “I don’t know why that’s making you so upset, but we can try something else-”

“No.” Alec cut him off, cursing himself silently. He wished there was a rune that could make him not suck so bad at expressing his feelings. “No, I mean, it’s not just the shirt… I just… Listen, okay, I know it doesn’t make any sense, but I feel like you’re trying to… make me into something I’m not.” He gulped, instantly wishing he could go back and not have said anything.

Magnus looked at him, baffled. “Why would you think that? Just because I think certain clothes look good on you doesn’t mean I’m trying to change you. Why would I even want to? You know I’m in love with you.”

“I know you think I’m boring-”

“Is that what you think I think? Alexander, you are anything but boring. You are…” His voice dropped low as he brushed his hand across Alec’s cheek, pushing his hair out of his eyes. “You are _intoxicating_.” He gripped Alec’s face between his hands, forcing him to look at him, his lucent feline eyes meeting with Alec’s somber blue ones. “And it doesn’t matter if you wear your ratty sweaters or that shirt you’re wearing right now which looks _extremely_ good on you, by the way, or a burlap sack, I am _always_ going to be taken away by you.”

Alec’s breath fell away as he stared, not knowing what to say. But Magnus seemed to be waiting for him to say _something_ , so he did the first thing he could think of- he grabbed Magnus by his shirt and kissed him desperately.

Magnus smiled under his lips as he grabbed Alec by his shoulders and pushed him up against the wall. “We don’t have to go shopping anymore if you don’t want to”, he whispered into Alec’s ear as he slid his hands under his shirt and up his chest. “And you know, I think you’re right about the shirt. I lied before. It looks _terrible_ on you. I want it off.” He reached for the hem and yanked it over Alec’s head. He placed his hand over Alec’s rapidly beating heart and drew a line down his bare chest. “Besides”, he growled, nipping at Alec’s ear. “I think I like you best without anything on at all.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on tumblr and send me prompts! @heronwaylightstern


	6. Whiskey Lullaby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Trigger warning for suicide) Song fic based on the song Whiskey Lullaby by Brad Paisley, prompted by anonymous

_He spent his whole life tryin’ to forget_  
_We watched him drink his pain away a little at a time_  
_But he never could get drunk enough to get [him] off his mind_

 

He had lost track of how many years it had been. At some point it didn’t matter anymore as they all ran together like streams to a river, memories constantly flashing through his mind. He found himself in this same position, over and over, trying to drink away the clear blue eyes that haunted him at night and the swirling runes he saw behind his eyelids every morning before he woke up, a part of him wishing he could go back and never have met him at all.

 

_Until the night..._

 

He stared at the object next to him and wondered, not for the first time, why this time had been so different. He had been alive for centuries, and fallen in love hundreds of times. None of them had affected him so deeply, none of them had driven him this far. Perhaps it was because of those that he had that remained in his life, Ragnor and Raphael and Catarina and Tessa, how they were always there when his loves were long gone. But Ragnor and Raphael were dead, and he hadn’t spoken to Catarina or Tessa for years. He doubted any of them could help him now. The shadowhunters had changed him, more than any other humans ever had, and when they died, when _he_ died, he knew he could never be the same.

 

_He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger_  
_And finally drank away [his] memory_  
_Life is short but this time it was bigger_  
_Than the strength he had to get up off his knees_

 

He heard the sound of the gun echo through his body, bouncing off his insides as if he were already empty. A magical enchantment to the gun made sure that he would be gone immediately, and no one would be able to save him. A single image appeared in his mind, his face, as it had been when he first knew he loved him; blue eyes as clear as water, hair darker than the thoughts he had at night. An aura of light surrounded him, glowing like an angel, blinding his senses until it all went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay the HTML keeps fucking up and not italicizing shit but the lyrics are the ones in quotes between the paragraphs of story okay ignore the awkward italics im so sorry
> 
> EDIT: okay i FINALLY got it to work and everything (should) be properly italicized now if not once again i am sorry


	7. Why Worry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song fic based on the song Why Worry by Set It off, prompted by anonymous

_This sinking feeling sets,_

_It feels just like a hole inside your chest._

 

He looked at the date on the calendar that had somehow come too soon. The thoughts that always plagued the back of his mind came bubbling up, and the familiar panic set in. He supposed someone would find it strange that he wasn’t happy, after all, who isn’t happy on their birthday? But ever since he had turned 21, his birthday just served as a reminder of his own mortality and the fact that Magnus would never age with him.

“Alec?” Alec turned as Magnus padded into the kitchen, wearing slippers on his feet and his hair sticking straight up in that way that Alec always found adorable. “What are you doing awake? I was supposed to get up before you, and surprise you with coffee and breakfast, which I see you’ve already made. You know, you could at least try to let me spoil you on your birthday.”

Alec shrugged halfheartedly. “I guess I’m not really in the birthday mood.”

Magnus walked up to where he was standing by the counter and put a hand on his shoulder. “Is something wrong?”

Alec stared straight ahead as he spoke. “It’s just… I keep getting older. And you keep… not.”

“Alec, you know I’ll love you no matter how old you get-”

“I know, I know, and I wish I could keep pretending that that was enough.” His voice was hoarse.

“What are you saying? That you want to break up?”

“No!” Alec said quickly, turning to face him. “No. I love you, and I want to be with you for the rest of my life, _so bad_. But that’s the problem- you’ll be the _entire rest of my life_ , and I’ll only be a fraction of yours. I can’t… I can’t _give_ you as much as you’re giving me.”

“Alec.” Magnus touched his face, bringing their eyes to meet. “You mean more to me, and will always mean more to me, than anyone or anything I’ve ever known. I know we don’t have a lot of time, but if I’ve learned one thing from being immortal, it’s that time means absolutely nothing. The things that you remember most are rarely the things that last the longest. The things that _mean_ the most are bigger than any constraint, and nothing, not even time, can take them away. I can’t promise we won’t have problems in the future, but I can promise that you have given me the best years of my life, and that means so much more than you will ever know.”

 

_Why do we insist,_

_On crossing bridges that do not exist?_

_Let’s take these issues_

_Step by step by step, to work it out,_

_Day by day by day we’re falling down,_

_But life goes on._

 

His words reverberated in Alec’s eardrums, the feeling in his voice sinking into the marrow of his bones. He could tell he meant his words, and though they didn’t solve everything, for a moment, they felt like enough. He grabbed Magnus’s face and kissed him, his hands shaking, desperately trying to fill the gaping void of paranoia in his heart. Every kiss, every touch, gave him something else to hold on to, and he felt himself growing stronger as he pushed Magnus up against the counter and willed all his worries away.This was all they had, and somehow, they would get through it, and they would make the most of it. And whatever happened, it would always be worth it.

 

_Why?_

_Please tell me why do we worry?_

_Why?_

_Why do we worry at all?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (hoping the html works for this one)  
> Send me shit: http://heronwaylightstern.tumblr.com/


	8. Feel My Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song fic based on the song "Make You Feel My Love" by Adele

He trudged down the street, rain pelting his head relentlessly and plastering his hair to his forehead. He was glad, for once, that he had an irrational fear of umbrellas- he could almost pretend it was the rain that stung his eyes and not the tears that had been coming down ever since he left the institute. He turned the corner onto the familiar block, only a few yards away from his apartment building. There was only one person right now who could make him feel better.

_When the rain is blowing in your face,_  
_And the whole world is on your case,_  
_I could offer you a warm embrace_  
_To make you feel my love._  

He trekked up the stairs to his apartment and rang the doorbell. Leaving in such a hurry, he had forgotten his key. He prayed that Magnus was still up. While he waited, his mind wandered back to the incident that happened at the institute. 

He hadn’t expected Robert to be back from Idris so early. With his new job as the inquisitor, and he and Maryse’s divorce still in the ugly stages, he hadn’t been around much. Which was fine with Alec. Not around much was what he preferred these days.

Apparently, Robert hadn’t expected Alec to be hanging around the institute either. Or else he wouldn’t have said what Alec overheard, the words he would never forget.

 

_When the evening shadows and the stars appear,_  
_And there is no one there to dry your tears,_  
_I could hold you for a million years_  
_To make you feel my love._

The door swung open and there was Magnus, wearing nothing but a black robe and light pajama pants. His bare chest was slightly exposed and his black hair was messy, his golden eyes full of concern. He took in Alec, his wetness, and the red around his eyes. He didn’t say a word as he pulled him inside and enveloped him in a strong embrace. _  
_

_The storms are raging on the rolling sea_  
_And on the highway of regret._  
_The winds of change are blowing wild and free,_  
_You ain’t seen nothing like me yet._

“You can’t keep ignoring us!” Maryse had said, as Alec listened through the thin walls to the room they were arguing in on the other side. “You leave here for weeks at a time, and you don’t answer my calls. You can’t just cut us out of your life, Robert. I may let you do it with me, but I will not let you do it to your children!”

“My children,” Robert snarled. “What children? One of my children is dead, and another is so disgusting he might as well be. Jace is not my child and he never was. That only leaves Isabelle, and she hates me anyway. None of them want me here.”

“She wouldn’t hate you if you made her believe that you  _cared_!” Maryse was shouting now. “And how dare you have the audacity to say that about your children. Jace is as much your son as Alec.”

“Alec,” Robert barked, his voice dropping low. “That thing is an abomination.  _Alec is not my son_.”

  
_I’d go hungry; I’d go black and blue,_  
 _And I’d go crawling down the avenue._  
 _No, there’s nothing that I wouldn’t do_  
 _To make you feel my love._

 

 

Magnus held Alec tighter, bringing him out of his memories and into the present. 

“Are you okay, love?”

Alec closed his eyes and pressed a kiss to the base of Magnus’s throat. A warm feeling came over him, and for a moment he felt separated from the everything that held him down; as if it were just the two of them here, listening to the beating of each other’s hearts and forgetting the world.

 

_I could make you happy, make your dreams come true._  
_Nothing that I wouldn’t do._  
_Go to the ends of the Earth for you,_  
_To make you feel my love._

“I am now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompted by the lovely @thewarlocksbitch :)


	9. Lost Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *Another* songfic based on the song Lost Stars by Adam Levine, prompted.

He looked beautiful, standing there at the alter, his not-so neatly parted black hair falling messily into his eyes and blowing slightly in the breeze. He was just as he remembered him, dark accents contrasting sharply against pale skin and an aura around him that spoke of goodness and honesty and truth. He was dressed in gold, as was custom for Shadowhunters at weddings, and the iridescent color shone off of him like sunlight that beamed directly into icy waters, illuminating a once dark world. His ocean-blue eyes held so much love and hope, so much belief in him and what he’d never in a million years thought could be possible. Belief that he could find someone that stood out against all the others. Life turns grey when you’re immortal, that’s what they don’t tell you. But Alec gave his life a new color every day. Belief that he could be loved like this.  

_Who are we? Just a spec of dust within the galaxy_   
_Woe is me if we’re not careful turns into reality_   
_Don’t you dare let all these memories bring you sorrow_   
_Yesterday I saw a lion kiss a deer_   
_Turn the page maybe we’ll find a brand new ending_   
_Where we’re dancing in our tears_

They danced, like they always did when Magnus thought of this moment, two people laughing and twirling late into the night like they didn’t have a care in the world. It was moments like this that he found himself wishing the ocean would swallow them up, that they could be swept up and taken away into their own little world where they would spin and fall together, entwined in each other for the rest of eternity. If only they had that long.

 

_I thought I saw you out there crying_   
_I thought I heard you call my name_   
_I thought I saw you out there crying_   
_Just the same  
_

It was after that that he would always wake up, imagining the sound of his angelic voice calling him out from his dreams. But he would always wake up to find the same side of the bed cold and empty, as it had been for the last 50 years. Then the tears would come, as they always did, and sometimes he thought he could hear him crying with him, and he could almost pretend that the cold breeze on his shoulder was his lost embrace. Then he would close his eyes and sleep would take him again, this time empty of lost hopes and broken promises. And he would wake up the next morning and get on with his life, as he always did, as he knew Alec would have wanted. But he was always there on the back of his mind, different memories during the day than he had at night. During the day it was funny stories and laughing at things things that Alec would would have liked. Silent looks and words spoken when he didn’t think he could hear. Memories of arguments and fights and times when it felt like the world would fall off its axis if they didn’t get enough of each other. All the little moments that they took for granted and would never have again.

But at night, the memories weren’t really memories at all. At night they were everything they never got to do. All the places they never visited, the milestones they never crossed. The things that Magnus would experience that Alec would never be present for, all the wonderful gifts he would miss out on. But the one he thought of most was the one image that haunted him every night, the image of him standing there, perfect and deadly and  _his_. The one night they never got to have because he had died too soon, and the thing that he regretted most. The golden clothes and the white alter and the words spilling from his lips before he even knew he was speaking. 

_“I do.”_

 

_But are we all lost stars, trying to light up the dark?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this was sad. I really want to write something fluffy next. (hint: it'll probably be another songfic whoops) Send me stuff: tumblr.com/heronwaylightstern


	10. Can't Help Falling in Love / Worth a Thousand Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You guessed it, another songfic! woo! getting a lot of requests to do these so if you don't like them I'm sorry  
> Anyway, this is based on a mixture of the songs "Can't Help Falling in Love" by Twenty One Pilots and "Worth a Thousand Words" by Maybday Parade (bolded) (lyrics out of order)

He still remembered the first time they kissed. It was after Alec had finally worked up the courage to ask Magnus out, and he still remember how he felt, standing there shaking in the doorway, thinking that his whole world was about to change. This was the first time he would ever attempt a romantic relationship with another man. After this, there was no going back.

As soon as the door opened, Alec immediately wanted to come up with an excuse to turn around and go right back home. But there were those peculiar eyes, looking at him like they had the first time they’d seen him, at the party, the first time Alec had ever felt  _noticed_. Usually it was Jace and Izzy who got all the looks, from girls and boys alike, and Alec was used to blending into the background, hiding in the shadows of the spotlights his siblings placed on themselves. But then there was Magnus, and he looked at him in a way that no one had ever looked at him before. It was a look that went past intrigue and desire and into something else entirely, almost as if he could see right through him, a look that went straight to his core and touched all his deepest wishes and secrets. He could have stayed there forever, drowning in his eyes, but somehow he managed to look away and stammer out something about a date, to which Magnus had responded by grabbing his face and kissing him, cutting him off mid-sentence. It was a kiss that made his insides melt and his pulse buzz in his ears. He had never kissed anyone before. And this- this was  _incredible_.

* * *

_Wise men say only fools rush in_

_But I can’t help falling in love with you_

* * *

The phone rang. And rang. After leaving so many unanswered messages, he wasn’t expecting anybody to pick up. He was just about to hang up when he heard the line click on the other end, and the ringing stopped.

“Magnus?”

The voice on the other end was tired, and a little slurred.

“Yes?”

Alec was so shocked for a moment he forgot that  _he_  called  _him_. But he realized with horror that he hadn’t actually planned what he was going to say.

“Do you remember the first time you kissed me?” He found himself blurting out, unsure of why he was bringing it up.

There was a pause, and Alec could almost feel Magnus smile on the other end of the line. “You fell down the stairs afterword”, he remarked, his voice unreadable.

“I was so shocked. I hadn’t even expected myself to go through with it, you know, much less for you to kiss me.” He laughed dryly. “I had a bruise on my neck. Jace thought it was a hickey. I told him I fell, and he didn’t believe me- the funny thing was, I  _had_  fallen, but not in the way I told him. I think I told him I fell out of a tree.” He was rambling now, unsure where he was going.

“I found it endearing”, Magnus said. “Your clumsiness. The way you would get all hot and flustered whenever someone called you out on something.” There was a long pause and Alec wondered if he had hung up.

“You’ve changed”, he said at last. “Or grew up, I guess. You’re not so clumsy anymore. I miss it.”

Alec didn’t know what to say. He felt vaguely like he had just been punched, but he wasn’t sure why.

“I’m sorry.”

Magnus laughed. “No, don’t be. You changed, and it was a good thing. You’re so much stronger now than you were before. Much more confident. I like you better this way.”

Alec’s heart lurched inside his chest. “You like me better”, he said sadly, “but not enough.”

* * *

_**I could be your heart** _

_**Reaching for the stars** _

_**Run away with me** _

_**We know what we are** _

****

* * *

“Alec”. Magnus’s voice was slow and resigned. “Why did you call me?”

“I guess I just… I had to know.”

“Know what?”

“If you still love me.”

* * *

_Shall I stay, would it be a sin?_

_If I can’t help falling in love with you_

_**And I can’t love you** _

_**No I can’t love you enough** _

****

* * *

Magnus let out a long sigh. “Of course I still love you. I wish I didn’t. But that doesn’t matter. Alexander, we can’t get back together.”

“Why not?” Alec sounded whiny, even to his own ears. “I mean, don’t you think the fact that we still love each other means  _something_? It has to.”

“It does”, Magnus said, “But I still can’t give you what you want from me.”

* * *

_Take my hand, take my whole life too_

 

_**I’m not your perfect picture**_

_**I’m not your favorite song** _

_**I’m not your hand to hold** _

****

* * *

“All I want,” Alec ground out, putting as much conviction into his voice as possible. “Is you.”

“If that were true, you wouldn’t have done what you did. We wouldn’t be having this conversation. If I was enough for you, the way I am, you would never have been unsatisfied in the first place. I’m not saying it’s your fault. Maybe we’re just not meant to be.”

* * *

 

_Like_ _a river flows_

_Surely to the sea_

_Darling so we go_

_Some things were meant to be_

_**We’re meant to be the strong ones** _

_**Yet the things we think about are the things we can’t control** _

_**You’re cut away from something that I can’t change** _

****

* * *

“No matter how much we love each other, we can’t change the fact that I’m immortal and you’re not. There’s always going to be a reason why that doesn’t make us work. From the moment we got together, we weren’t bound to last. I think I always knew that, and I think on some level you knew it too. Maybe that’s why you were drawn to me. Because you knew we could never be permanent. Not really. We were impossible from the start.”

* * *

****

_**We’re about to break** _

_**And even if you lie** _

_**The world will just forgive you** _

_**But don’t forget that our love is dead** _

****

* * *

“No”, Alec said. “No, I wasn’t drawn to you because you were forbidden, or impossible, or any of the things you just said. I thought I was attracted to  _Jace_  for those reasons. Not you. You want to know why I was attracted to you? I was attracted to you because every time you looked at me I felt like I was going to explode. Because you made me crazy, because you saw something in me that no one else did. And I saw the same in you. From the moment I met you, and you told me about how your mother killed herself, I knew there was so much more to you than you let on. I could hear it in your voice, the way you felt things, the way you remembered things as if they were happening right in front of you. I knew you had a soul that was more complex than anyone I had ever seen. Living through so much, and for so long, you should have gone insane. But there was something in you that kept you strong. And it was that feeling I got when you looked at me that told me I had something in me, too. I was attracted to you because you brought out the best in me, because you made me who I was. Who I  _am_. Tell me that’s not enough.”

Magnus was silent.

* * *

_**And even if you lie** _

_**The world will just forgive you again** _

****

* * *

“I’m sorry.” He said the words as if they hurt. “I’m sorry, Alec. I wish it was. But it’s not.”

Alec sat motionless, phone still in hand, trying not to cry as the line hung up.

* * *

****

_But I can’t help falling in love with you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ITS MALEC WEEK!!! WHOOO!!  
> okay so I know I said the next fic would be a fluffy one and this prob does not exactly qualify but I'm saving the fluffy one for tmrw (into the future day! hint: wedding night fic) also going to be at least partially another songfic soooo get excited, gonna try to write something every day this week!
> 
> (Fic prompted to me on tumblr: @heronwaylightstern)


	11. Trouble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wedding night songfic based on the song "Trouble" by Halsey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kinda angsty kinda fluffy kinda non-existent-smutt-y kinda idk what this is. i hope you like it.

So here they were. No turning back. This is everything he wanted. Everything he thought he could never have.

From the moment that it finally happened, to the moment they were in right now, he had felt every emotion possible. It wasn’t all pure happiness- no, happiness was definitely there, but so were so many things that no one tells you that you’re going to feel- panic and paranoia and nostalgia and a bittersweet regret that this didn’t happen before now. That you waited so long to let yourself feel this way. A crippling fear that you didn’t have much time left to feel it at all.

He didn’t remember much from the party. He didn’t really remember anything at all after the  _I Do’s_  except for drinking and laughing and a vague memory of throwing something at Jace’s head when he gave his best man speech. He would have to apologize for that later. Or not.

All he knew is that right now, some of the less-than-great feelings he had felt were starting to seep back in. He was angry, angry at his past self for wasting so much of his life being afraid when he had so little of it to live in the first place. He knew it shouldn’t be any different for anyone else, that every other couple got the same amount of time, but somehow with them it felt more limited- because Magnus was immortal and Alec wasn’t, and though Magnus said he would love him forever he knew there would come a day when it would be too weird for them to hold hands or kiss in public, and maybe even too weird for them to kiss in private. Alec would get old, he would begin to look like Magnus’s father, or  _grandfather_ , and maybe it didn’t matter, maybe love was love and it didn’t make a difference if you kissed or not, but kissing was also kissing and he didn’t think he would ever want it to stop. Wouldn’t want  _this_  to stop- the way Magnus was dragging him into their apartment, pushing him up against the wall, and tracing all the lines on his body with his teeth. Didn’t want to miss the feeling of his hands ripping his jacket off and sliding under his shirt, setting his nerves on fire and making him feel things he hadn’t thought possible. Wouldn’t want to miss the feeling of his fingers in his hair, twining around the silky strands as he moaned out his name beneath his lips. They only had so much time to make this last.

 

_Let’s cause a little trouble._

_Oh, you make me feel so weak._   
_I bet you kiss your knuckles_   
_Right before they touch my cheek ._

Alec pushed against Magnus, moving them from the wall and into their bedroom, knocking him down on the bed and pulling him on top of him. Magnus’s mouth was moving, kissing and biting ragged lines from his collar bone to his chest. “Magnus”, Alec gasped, pulling his hair.

Magnus paused and looked up at him slowly, glitter stuck in his eyelashes where it had fallen from his heavy eyelids. His green cat eyes were dark and glowing at the same time. “Yes?”

Alec could hear his heart pounding loudly against his chest. He hadn’t meant for Magnus to stop. “I need you…to…” He was distracted again by Magnus’s fingers picking up where his lips had left off, tracing lines all around his scars.

“You need me to what?”

“I need you to… fuck.” He grabbed Magnus’s hand then, pulling it away from his body and holding it suspended in the air. “I need you,” he breathed, looking straight into Magnus’s questioning eyes, “To kiss me. Kiss me like the world is ending, like it’s the last thing you’re ever going to do. I need to feel all of you, every single piece of you, for as long as I can.”

 

_And I’ve got my mind, made up this time._   
_Go on and light a cigarette, set a fire in my head._   
_Set a fire in my head, tonight._

 

Magnus didn’t wait long to respond. He grabbed Alec by the shoulders and pulled him up to his lips hard, knocking the breath out of him. His hands gripped the back of his head and held on like he would never let go. Alec moved his hands up Magnus’s face, pressing him into himself until they weren’t two people so much as one, a single union latching onto one another and fighting against the universe. Through the force of their lips he felt himself making a promise that he would not waste any more time they had. That he would never regret not doing something before it was too late. They would conquer things together and laugh in the face of fear or whatever stood in their way. And they would do it forever, they would do it for only the short amount of time they had. Because this is what it meant to be in love.

“Magnus”, Alec said when they finally broke for air. “I love you.”

Magnus smiled, his eyes crinkling at the sides. His face was streaked with fallen glitter and he looked more perfect than Alec had ever seen. Alec shivered as he felt Magnus’s fingers trace a pattern over his lips, writing in a language of their own. “ _Hatiku Hatimu_. My heart is your heart. I love you too.”

 

_Don’t forget me, don’t forget me._   
_I wouldn’t leave you if you’d let me._

 

The night unfurled before them as they kissed each other senseless, and they didn’t end up sleeping; only getting up in the morning so they could start their official honeymoon, which they’d both agreed could wait the night before. They didn’t need to travel to places they’d never been to to enjoy being together. They only needed to make each second together count. And this was it, starting now.

No turning back.


	12. Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Malec dream AU for malec week aye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YALL READY FOR SOME ANGST???

He knew his face the moment he saw him. He had seen that same face every night for the past five years. The same peculiar green cat-eyes lined in the same dark kohl and the same wild black hair sticking up in every direction. It was impossible, but it was him, it had to be.

 

He saw the boy from across the room. He was a shadowhunter, but that wasn’t what made him stop in his tracks. He had recognized his face immediately, like déjà vu, like something straight out of his dreams. His bright blue eyes and contrasting jet black hair and the runes that swirled gracefully down from his shoulder to his arm were as familiar to him as the scent of a juniper tree in the yard of home he’d once lived in. He knew that face, that awkward stance, that timid smile. That same lost look in his eyes.

 

He was watching him, Alec realized with a jolt. His mystery dream prince had caught him staring. He flushed, embarrassed, already thinking of an excuse to ditch his siblings and head back out the door. This couldn’t be happening. Surely he was going crazy. But-  _oh god_ \- he was walking  _over_  to him.

“Excuse me”, he said, and his voice, oh his voice was just as melodic as he’d remembered it, just as he’d imagined it to be. “Have we met before?”

Alec fought to control the blush that was cascading down his face.

“You- you recognize me too?”

 

Images flashed into Magnus’s mind that hadn’t been there before. Memories as clear as pictures tacked onto pastel walls. Years’ worth of moments, good and bad, small and big- images of holding hands and touching cheeks and midnight picnics and walks on the beach with the first breath of winter blowing on their backs. Of late nights when neither of them would sleep, listening to each other’s hearts as they took in everything the other had to offer. Of sharing stories and living them, of days full of screaming and fighting and giving in to a passion like a hurricane that destroyed everything it touched, leaving nothing in its wake. Words, promises, secrets whispered in the dark. It was an entire lifetime that he saw, so clearly as if he had lived it, as if there had never been anything else at all.

“Do you… feel that?”

 

He had been waiting to feel this for five years.

“What is your name?”

“Magnus Bane. And yours?”

“Alec. Alec Lightwood.”

 

Alec. The name rang through his ears like a sweet lullaby. He said it out loud a few times, testing the way it felt on his tongue. “ _Alec._  Alec, Alec, Alec.”

Alec looked at him, his blue eyes studying his face curiously. Magnus had been searching for those eyes his whole life.

“Can I kiss you?”

 

Alec nodded, his heart hammering in his chest. Magnus gently grasped his face and pressed his mouth against his. Time slowed down around them, and for a moment, he felt like he was flying, suspended in the air, the soft lips against his whispering reassurances in his mind.  _I know you_ , they said to him.  _I know all the deepest parts of you. I know you better than my own soul. And I love every piece of you._  They kissed harder, and he felt like the hole inside his chest was finally being filled, like after all this time, so many years spent fumbling in the dark for something that he didn’t know he was missing, he had finally found a forgotten piece of himself, like an arm that had once been torn off from his body that he never realized was gone. The calloused hands on his face felt like they had always been there, and the body pressed up against his felt like an extension of his own, molding them together into something he didn’t know he could be. It was elation and relief and freedom all at once.

 

All the years of Magnus’s long life were nothing compared to this moment. He had spent his whole life wondering of heaven and nothing had ever come this close to making him believe it was real. He drowned in the feeling, letting it wash away all the memories of terror and visions of his past that still came to haunt him at night. The way Alec touched him, the way his eyes _saw_  him, cutting past his outward demeanor and focusing on the ragged thing beneath, the thing knew fear and regret better than its own last name and the thing that was tired of living so long without any real purpose. The thing that had seen death so many times that sometimes it didn’t know whether it itself was alive at all. But he definitely felt alive now.

 

They broke apart from the kiss.  Alec instantly wished they hadn’t. A gust of air hit him as they separated, as if breaking a sort of suction, and he felt the edges of reality beginning to swim back into focus. Vaguely, he realized someone was tapping him on the shoulder.

“Alec”, said a familiar voice. “We have to go.”

“Jace”, he said, trying to get his thoughts in order. He couldn’t even remember now why they had come.

“We just got here….didn’t we? Can’t we stay a little longer?”

“Alec.” Why did he sound so agitated? “We have to go  _now_.”

“Why? I thought you needed to be here because… Wait, why are we here again?” He was pretty sure there had been a reason.

“We’re not here.  _Alec_. Alec, listen to me.”

“What are you saying? Are you drunk?” He wasn’t making any sense.

“Alec,  _wake up_.”

“What?”

“Wake up, you’re dreaming.”

 

Magnus awoke in his bed, feeling like he had just been ripped apart from the world.  _No. Not again_. He was so sure this time that it was real. Out of all the recurring nightmares he’d ever had, this one was by far the cruelest. He closed his eyes and sobbed quietly, the image of crystal-blue eyes still hanging behind his eyelids and the brush of a kiss still lingering on his lips.

 

Alec opened his eyes. Familiar white walls rose up before him, and the light that bounced off of them hurt. He was in his room. Jace was beside him, looking at him strangely. The party was gone. Magnus was gone.  _It was all a dream._

Of course. How could he have been so stupid to think this could ever be real? To think that he could ever actually mean anything to anyone. To think someone could actually  _know_  him, really know him, and like him anyway. That he could have someone all to himself. No one knew him like that, not even Jace. He didn’t have anyone. He was  _alone_.

Just like he always was.


	13. The Most Important Thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Parent/child fic with lots of angst and a demon-fighting scene that goes on for 10 years bc i can't write for shit. Some dad!Alec fluff at the end. Slight warning for blood/violence. Enjoy.

Alec sighed as he kissed Magnus goodbye from his place on the couch. “Do you really have to go?”

“I wish I didn’t, but I can’t ignore one of my most highest-paying clients on a request like this. I should be back in a few hours at most.”

“We’ll be here”, Alec said, “Waiting for you. Well, I’ll be waiting,  _this_  one will be asleep.”

The young warlock crossed her arms over chest indignantly. “No I won’t! You can’t make me go to sleep! I want to stay up with you and wait for daddy.”

“Daddy’s not going to be home till late. You’re going to bed in an hour.”

“Hmph!”

Alec looked up at Magnus. “You  _sure_  you want to miss this?”

Magnus laughed and knelt down next to the child. “Mara”, he said, “Please listen to your dad. I’ll see you in the morning, okay?” He kissed her head. “I love you.”

“Love you too, daddy.”

Magnus smiled and gave Alec one last apologetic look before he walked out the door.

Alec sighed and turned his attention back to the TV where the two were watching some animated cartoon that Alec couldn’t follow for the life of him. Mara scooted closer to him and leaned her head against his side sleepily as he put his arm around her. Alec stifled a small chuckle. For all her talk about not wanting to go to sleep, she probably wouldn’t last another 30 minutes. Alec leaned his head back against the couch and closed his eyes. He had just started to fall asleep himself when he felt her frantically shaking his shoulder.

“Daddy, there’s someone at the window.”

Alec rubbed his eyes groggily. “What?”

“ _Look._ ” She pointed to the back window where a shadow had just moved. Alec sat up, suddenly very awake.

“Stay here. Don’t move.” He heard her small whimper behind him as he got up and walked carefully to the window, heart beating fast. He reached in his pocket for the witchlight he always carried with him and held it to the glass. Something slimy was hiding in the bushes. Something he recognized all too well. “ _Shit.”_

“Dad? What is it? What was that thing?” Alec turned and faced his daughter. Her knees were pulled up to her chest and she was biting her thumb like she always did when she was scared. Alec’s heart broke a little. He didn’t need to be frightening her like this.

“Mara, listen to me.” He knelt down next to her and placed his hands on her shoulders. “Everything’s alright. You’re going to be fine. But I need you to do exactly as I say, okay?” She nodded, her eyes wide.

“Was that…was that a demon?” She whispered it softly, almost like saying it out loud would cause it to appear right in front of her. Alec winced. He hated that she already knew the word demon at so young, but when you were a shadowhunter, it was a hard thing to keep from someone, even a 6 year old. Alec thought for a moment, not wanting to lie to her.

“Yes”, he said at last. “But I am going to go kill it. And I need you to stay right here, out of sight from the window. Do not let anybody in, even if they sound like me. If it’s me, I’ll get in with the key. I’ll be back in fifteen minutes. If for whatever reason I’m not,  _don’t_  come out after me. Call someone if you can, uncle Jace, Aunt Clary, Aunt Izzy- their numbers are on the fridge. You remember how I taught you to use the phone, right?” She nodded. “Okay, good. But only do that if I’m not back by then, which I will be, so don’t worry. Just stay right here, okay?  I’ll be right back, I promise.” The last thing he saw was her wide, brown, trusting eyes as he grabbed his bow and stepped outside.

* * *

Alec cursed as he stared at the vibrating sensor in his hand. He knew that moloch demons tended to travel in groups, but he’d naively hoped he would get lucky. But according to his sensor, luck wasn’t on his side today. He debated for a brief moment if it would be too dishonorable on his part to call for backup, before giving in and pulling out his cell. He wasn’t in the mood to take any chances.

“Jace.” He said impatiently to the ringing on the other end of the line. “Jace, pick up, please pick up.” The line went to voice mail.

Alec cursed again as he hastily shoved his phone back into his pocket before rounding the corner to the back of the building where he’d seen the demon.

It was no longer in the bushes. It was right in front of him, as if it had been waiting for him to come out.  The flames in its eye sockets jumped out of its twisted form, sending sparks raining down on Alec’s feet. He jumped back and quickly knocked an arrow, sending it flying toward the creature’s head.  It dodged it, rolling its slimy liquidized lower half of its body almost lazily to the side, and its clawed arm snatched the arrow out of the air, snapping it loudly in half. Alec pulled out another one and ducked as the demon shot a blast of flames over his head. He rolled up and let the arrow fly, this time lodging itself in the back of the creature’s neck. It let out a shriek as it disintegrated, shrinking into a small puddle before disappearing all together. The victory was short-lived, however, as Alec heard a sort of growl and turned just in time to find another sickly black form swinging at him with its claws.

Alec let out a cry as the claw came in contact with his shoulder, cutting deep into his skin. He jerked his arm away and used the other to hit the creature square in the forehead with his elbow, making it recoil and giving him enough time to regain himself. The sensor had indicated there was at least 3 demons, and he was hyper-aware of the fact that the third on could come up and attack him from behind at any moment. He picked up his bow from where it had fallen, ignoring the blood that was streaming down his arm, and turned himself so his back was towards the wall. The demon he had just hit had apparently recovered, and was slinking forward slowly, bright flames popping loudly in its eyes.

He aimed the arrow right above the creature’s midsection, right where it’s heart would be- if demons had hearts, Alec wasn’t sure, but it was a spot he had shot at enough times to know that it would kill immediately. He was about to let it fly when he heard a scream. A small, high-pitched, all-too-familiar scream that made his heart stop.

He released the arrow, which had lost its aim and sunk pathetically into the ground a few feet away. Alec turned, willing his eyes to show him  _anything_ other than what he was about to see.

Demon number 3 had showed up, and it was not alone. It was bent over a small figure laying sprawled helplessly in the grass, whose knotted blond hair Alec would recognize from a mile away.

 _“Mara!”_  He shouted, and he felt suddenly as if the earth itself had stopped and titled on its axis, and all gravity that once held him to it had dissipated, knocking him off the very ground he stood on and sending him spiraling into empty space.

He stared, unable to move, until he felt a hot, sticky breath on his shoulder and realized with horror that he had completely forgotten about demon number 2. It grabbed him by the back of his shirt and threw him to the ground, sharp claws piercing his skin. It oozed itself on top of him, pinning him to the ground, its empty eyes flaring up hungrily. A gaping hole began to form where its mouth should be, and rows of sharp teeth emerged. Alec tried to shrink away, but the demon only dug its claws into Alec’s arms on both sides, staking them to the ground. Alec barely felt the pain. He could only think of one thing.

 _Mara._  He rolled his head back, trying to catch a glimpse of where she lay. He could only make out shapes on the ground where he’d last seen her. The demon on him reeled its head back, preparing to strike. Alec knew this was it. He tried to call out her name, to tell her one last time that he loved her, that she was the best thing his life had ever given him and he was sorry. But he didn’t get the chance.

The demon was flung off of him with a blinding force and hit the wall with a sickening crunch. Standing over him was Jace, his golden blond hair and wild eyes making him look like an archangel in the moonlight.

“Got your call. I figured when I called you back 10 times with no answer, something was probably up. Even you don’t ignore me that much”, Jace said as he knelt over him, concern clouding his face as he took in his gaping wounds. He breathed in sharply and fumbled for his stele. “Stay still”, he hissed as Alec struggled to sit up. “You need an iratze-“

Alec pushed his sele away. “No time”, he choked. “Jace, please- watch out!” Jace whirled as the demon lunged for him, rolling to the side and dodging its claws by nearly an inch. He pulled out his seraph blade and named it as it hit the air-  _“Ithurial”-_ and slashed violently at the demon. He heard the sound of tearing flesh as the demon shrieked, its decapitated arm falling to the ground with a thud. Alec’s vision was a haze, and everything swirled around him as he tried to push himself up, only to fall right back against the moist earth. He tried to crawl towards his daughter, but she was too far away. He could already feel himself starting to slip into unconsciousness. He wouldn’t make it.

He turned back. The demon was closing in on Jace now, the loss of its arm only making it angrier. It shot a ray of fire at Jace’s arm, burning his hand and forcing him to drop his seraph blade. It pushed Jace against the wall of the neighboring building and hissed.

In one final effort, Alec struggled to where his bow lay. He was close enough to Jace that he could shoot the demon without much aim. Still on the ground, he knocked the arrow and released it. It hit the demon in the back of its leg, not enough to kill it but enough to turn its attention away from Jace and onto him. Alec pushed himself to his knees and shot another arrow, this time embedding itself in the moloch’s side. It moved towards him angrily, now only a few feet away. Jace, recovered, picked up his seraph blade and started towards it, but Alec shook his head.

“Jace!” He called, willing him to look at him. The demon had him cornered now, and he knew he was too weak to escape it. He only had one arrow left. “Jace, please.” He titled his head in the direction of the other demon, pleading at him with his eyes. “ _Save her_.”

As if just noticing the other demon for the first time, Jace looked to where Alec was gesturing and immediately understood. He shot Alec one last look, pain filling every corner of his eyes as he turned away from Alec and dashed off in the other direction, blade in hand.

Alec breathed a sigh of relief and turned his attention back to the demon in front of him. His last arrow shook in his hand and he knew that even if he fired it perfectly, it wouldn’t kill it, not from this distance. He knew that when Jace had chosen to go fight the other demon because he’d asked him to what he had really chosen was to let this demon kill Alec so that he could have a chance at saving what mattered to him most. He knew that Jace had known this, in the split second that he’d met his eyes, had known that by doing what Alec asked him to he was sacrificing his parabatai, the other half of his soul, and Alec knew firsthand what losing that felt like. The last thing he wanted was for Jace to feel that too. It was this thought that gave him the strength to shoot the arrow…

…And to watch as it bounced harmlessly off the demon, not enough momentum to even make a dent. It reeled its head back, and Alec closed his eyes, hoping the end would come fast.

The demon exploded in a flash of blue sparks.

Alec looked up in awe at Magnus, who stood with his eyes blazing, blue flames crackling from his hands. He took in Alec, the blood dripping from his arms, and all the color drained from his face. “Alec,” he choked. “What happened? Where’s-”

“Mara”, Alec gasped. “Over there, with Jace- she’s hurt-”

Magnus’s eyes instantly widened and his head snapped up at her name. “Is she…” he broke off as his eyes found her form on the ground, unable to finish his sentence.

“She’s alive.” It was Jace, coming towards them, having apparently defeated the other demon. “Go. You can still heal her. I’ll help Alec.” He pulled out his stele and got to work, not waiting for Magnus to respond.

“Jace”, Alec gasped as the stele burned across his chest. “Get me over to her.”

“Not until after I finish your iratze.”

“Jace,  _please_ -”

“ _Stay still._  If you move anymore, your blood will drain out and you’ll die.”

Alec was too weak to argue. He remained still as Jace finished drawing the rune, his head pounding. He could just barely see blue sparks out of the corner of his eye.  _Please let her be okay. Please._

“All done.” Jace returned his stele to his pocket and grabbed Alec’s wrists, pulling him uneasily to his feet. “Lean on me while you walk.” He half-dragged Alec over to where Magnus and Mara were. When he saw her, his breath caught in his throat. There was a long slice down the center of her chest. Her clothes were filthy and her hair was tangled with dirt and blood. Her eyes were closed and her face was a pale white. But she was breathing.

“I’ve done all I can for her for now.” Magnus said, his voice still slightly shaking. “I can only use so much magic on her without overwhelming her. I’ll have to go at it again in about an hour. But she’s going to be okay.”

Alec felt the words sink into his bones, relief filling every part of his body. He dropped down next to her and pulled her into his arms, cradling her to his chest. “Thank you.” He said, and whether he was saying it to Magnus or to Jace or to God, he wasn’t quite sure. All that mattered is that she was alive.

* * *

Alec was sitting by her bed when her eyes fluttered open. “Daddy?”

“Mara”, he said. “Oh, thank god. I’m right here.” He grabbed her hand and moved so he was sitting on the edge of her bed. “How are you feeling? Do you hurt?”

She shook her head. “No. But I’m thirsty.”

Alec nodded. “I’ll go get you some water.”

He walked out of the room and passed Magnus’s sleeping form on the couch. He had passed out almost immediately after healing her, and though he wanted to stay awake until she woke up, Alec insisted he’d sleep, promising he’d be there. He supposed he should be sleeping too, after losing so much blood, but he didn’t feel tired, and he didn’t know if he could sleep if he tried. He walked back to her room with the glass of water, his mind still rambling with the night’s events.

When he came back in, she was sitting up, and some color had returned to her face. He handed her the water and she downed it immediately, impressively fast for a 6 year old. She handed the empty glass back to him and he set it on the bedside table.

“Do you-” He started, not sure if he should ask. “Do you remember what happened?”

“You went outside to kill a demon and I heard a scream. I thought it had got you, so I ran and got the phone just like you told me to, but no one answered. I was so scared. I thought I should go out and check on you, to make sure you killed it. But then the other demon came and…” She covered her mouth with her hands, tears pooling up in her eyes.

“Oh, sweetheart.” He sat on the bed and put his arms around her. She curled into his chest, and he held her tightly while she cried, wishing he could erase the memories from her mind. “I’m so sorry.”

“I should have listened to you!” She cried. “You told me to stay where I was, but I was just so scared, and I just-” She hiccupped, and Alec held her tighter, bringing his lips down to kiss the top of her head.

“Shh, sweetie, it’s okay. I’m not mad at you. Just  _promise me_  that you’ll never go out after a demon like that again when I tell you not to. Even when you’re tough and older and think you can handle it. Seeing you hurt like that was the scariest moment of my life, and if anything ever happens to you, I don’t think I’ll ever be okay again. Just promise me you’ll try to stay safe and do as I tell you to, even when you’re scared, even when you don’t want to. Promise me, okay?”

“Okay”, she whispered into his chest. “I promise.”

But even as she said it, he knew there would come a day where she would break that promise, as all kids did. Especially someone with a will as strong as hers. He only hoped that when that day came, he would be there to protect her. But he had no way of knowing if that would be the case. The only thing he had right now was this, was the knowledge that she was alive and safe in his arms. And for right now, that was enough.

He closed his eyes and let the beating of her heart against his drag him into a comforting sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> malec week is over and i am dead. i only wrote 4 things bc i suck. send me prompts on my tumblr and i might get to you in a few years. :) @heronwaylightstern
> 
> EDIT: hey guys i haven't gotten any comments here in a while so if you're reading this and could let me know you're alive, that's be great. thanks :)


	14. Drive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Malec Songfic based on the song "Drive" by Halsey. Takes place during CoLS.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place during CoLS after the gang went to that farm place(?) and Simon raised Raziel from the lake. (Not important). This is what happened on the drive home.

Alec stared out the window, watching the world fly past. The green stretched on for miles. There was something about it, about the way the openness of the area made him feel, something that you never really got in New York with all the buildings and the noise. There was a heaviness, too; a sort of sad silence that weighted down on him as he stared out at the rolling hills. The loneliness lingered even when he tore his eyes from the view.

Magnus was staring blankly ahead at the road.

 

_All we do is drive._

 

“Magnus”, Alec said. He was aware of Izzy and Simon in the backseat of the truck, talking quietly. They seemed to be in their own world.

Magnus didn’t move his eyes. “Yes?”

Alec’s mouth went dry. “You haven’t said anything for a while.”

“You haven’t said anything either.”

Maybe there was too much to say. Maybe there wasn’t enough.

He didn’t know why there was suddenly this thing taking up space between them. Everything had seemed fine before. But lately Alec had been feeling as if they were walking on eggshells, tiptoeing around things they’d rather not discuss. He knew he wasn’t the only one who noticed.

 

_All we do is think about the feelings that we hide._

It had all started with Camille.

“Can I ask you something?” Alec asked.

“Sure.”

“Camille”, he said, feeling his throat tighten.  “How long were you together?”

“Why are you asking me this?”

“Just answer the question.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“I can’t stop thinking about it.”

“Well, try.” Magnus said tersely. “I have no idea what this obsession is that you have with my past lovers.”

“It’s just…” He wasn’t sure how to explain. He wasn’t sure he  _could_  explain.

“Why can’t you just drop it?”

“She knows things about you, Magnus. Things about your past that you never bothered to tell me. That you  _refuse_ to tell me. It’s like you two have this connection that should have been broken a long time ago but never was.”

“Wait a minute. Are you jealous? Of  _Camille?_ ”

“I don’t know what I am”, Alec said. It came out sounding harsher than he meant it to.

Magnus stared at Alec for a moment. He looked like he wasn’t sure what he was looking at, trying to decipher if the person in front of him was the same person he thought he knew. Alec recognized the look. It was the way he had been looking at Magnus for a while now.

Magnus turned his eyes back to the road. Alec realized he wasn’t going to respond. Fine. They didn’t need to talk about their problems, anyway. It was probably better for the both of them if they kept pretending everything was fine.

 

_All we do is sit in silence waiting for a sign._

Alec turned his gaze to the window again and met the familiar melancholy scenery. He hated that Magnus always had to be so damn secretive. Why couldn’t he just tell him things? Isn’t that what he was  _supposed_  to do?

“You’re being ridiculous.” Magnus blurted after what felt like an eternity. “I have nothing with Camille. It’s over. You know that.”

“I don’t  _know_  anything about you”, Alec snapped. “That’s the point. You know everything about my life. I barely even know enough to fill a fraction of yours. How do I know that a hundred years from now, you’re not sitting here with someone else, refusing to tell them my name?”

“God, Alexander.” Magus shook his head. “Can’t you see how different it is with you?”

“No. I can’t. You keep saying that, but you won’t tell me  _how_  I’m different. I don’t know how you expect me to believe that when you won’t tell me anything about your past.”

“The past isn’t important. Nothing was important before you.”

“ _Bullshit_ ”, Alec said. “Plenty of things were important before me. You don’t go 400 years without anything being important. I did not suddenly make your life worth living. You’ve loved other people. You’ve lived a thousand lives. All I’m asking you to do is tell me about them.”

“I don’t think you realize how much you’re asking of me.”

“I’m not asking anything of you! It doesn’t hurt you to  _talk_.”

“Oh, but it does. The past is a dangerous thing. Reliving those memories isn’t pleasant. And I’ve done some things that I’m not proud of.”

“Do you think there is anything you could tell me that would change how I feel about you?”

“Maybe”, Magnus said, a faraway look in his eyes, “There are some things I don’t want you to know about me.”

 

_Sick and full of pride._

Alec felt like he’d been punched in the gut. He turned away from Magnus, his eyes burning with angry tears.  _I tell you everything. I trust you with everything. I thought we were everything. But apparently I’m just another thing for you to lock yourself away from. Maybe neither of us are who we thought we were._

The endless green around him suddenly felt like a trap of emptiness. There was no escape. He laid his head against the window and closed his eyes.

 

_All we do is drive._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me on tumblr @heronwaylightstern


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